When you find yourself in the role of step parent, you have to tread carefully, as your new step children may not be thrilled at your presence at first. It's often a painful adjustment for kids, who may have recently lost a parent, through either death or divorce, recently. Using patience and a great deal of thought, you can adapt to the situation regardless of how they lost their one parent.
The main criteria in establishing the interaction between your step-kids and you will be determined by how old they are. A very young child will more easily adapt to you as their "parent" than an older child. When you are considering marrying someone who already has children, it's important to think seriously about what your responsibilities will be ahead of time. Your function with older children will, for the most part, not be as a pseudo-parent but as a friend and confidant. The prime parenting duties of older children, in particular teen-agers, will remain with the original parent and the new stepparent will be more of support to the original parent. To be sure, each family faced with these same circumstances will have different needs, but the age of the stepchildren will be the deciding factor in how you handle your step-parenting role.
First, take a little time to notice what the step children do every day and show little interest in their activities. This initial gesture of interest into their lives may not be met favorably, however it will show them that you are at least serious in what they do. Start with something simple like asking what their favorite music is or what they like to do on the weekends. If you don't know anything about what your step children are doing, you'll remain a stranger.
This important first step may seem meaningless, but it is a great place to begin. Once you have shown the step children that you are somewhat interested in them, they may react by opening up to you. If you stay consistent, your efforts to build this relationship will prevail, even though they may act as if they do not care.
When you're a step parent, the role of the original biological parent can be a sensitive issue. This is even the case if the original parent has died. He or she will still have a place in your stepchild's heart. Matters can really become complicated if your new spouse has been through a divorce and he or she has inconsistent feelings towards the former spouse. It's not your place to state an opinion about a natural parent who mistreated the kids. You should stay neutral on the subject or even be a little positive if you must say something. Whatever part the biological parent played in the lives of your stepchildren, you have to respect the kids right to keep their own version of their memories. Parenting stepchildren is a little different than parenting your own, yet it is still a skill that you can utilize an acquired over time. You need to be less rigid in this particular role, allowing for change and fluctuations to occur as you become more accepted by your new family. Kids all want someone to call mom and dad, so with your appearance in their lives, if you are a good role model, you will be accepted in no time at all.
